The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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