Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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