I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
