just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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