Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
