I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Randomize
