is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm getting married
To pizza
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
