Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
