We got so high we made milksteak
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
