Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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