I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
