Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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