My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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