Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
