I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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