Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
