On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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