Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
