Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
