my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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