i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
