No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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