shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
