ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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