I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
