I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I met the friendliest cop last night
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I have fence marks all over my body
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
