please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
