We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
