her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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