saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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