When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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