Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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