I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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