everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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