your parents love me but you hate me
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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