had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
