Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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