Whod you bang
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
