I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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