Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
