can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
