I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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