You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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