i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
