Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
