Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
