I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
