i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
