I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
