She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
