I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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